Let’s continue looking at Erik Erikson’s stages of psychosocial development. Stage two, for Erikson, occurs in a child’s life from 18 months to three years. This stage includes an emotional part of skill-building for life and the beginning of independence, including strength, self-control, courage, and will. We all recognize the beginning of “no” and the early development of self-esteem. Because there is much development in this period, along with toilet training, we are vulnerable to shame and doubt during the second stage. 

Think of your relationships, starting with your family. Were you proud of your accomplishments, or were you filled with doubt and shame? How did this affect your friendships? We know how important friendships can be in sustaining and supporting us throughout the life cycle. One good friend can make all the difference. And for many people, friendship might be their main support—consider that in the US, the number of single people is approximately 96 million.

The choices we make for friendship demonstrate how well we have traversed Erikson’s second stage. Friendship is a critical relationship and in a good situation should be empowering. Some people pick supporting, loyal friends. Some find themselves in critical, controlling relationships that are intermittently supportive.

Important questions are: is my friend someone who sees, hears, and accepts me? Do I feel safe with this person? Do I grow as a result of this relationship? Or, on the contrary: Do I look to this person to give me direction, to tell me what I should be doing or thinking? Do I always feel self-conscious or unsure in their presence? Do I gain strength if they approve of me at any given time? Do I worry about something I said or didn’t say? Do I find myself unsure of my meaning in their life, or of whether our relationship is important to them?

If you find your friendships to be in the first category, your development would be, in Erikson’s terms, on the right track. If they are in the second category, it would be helpful to get some assistance so you could advance in skill-building for a better life.

You might live in a neighborhood with a feeling of community, or you might live in a collection of houses, apartments and condominiums with minor interaction and feeling of community.

 In the past, neighborhoods were relatively homogeneous, economically and educationally, and what united the community was what was seen as the community good. Whatever is local is a more powerful force with more immediate effect than something that is further away, be it state, regional, or national. It is understood that people’s behavior is often shaped by “like me” – the familiar, the known. Face-to-face was a powerful force in the town meetings of the past and in the present. Whenever you see and rub shoulders with your neighbors, you want to get along because life is better and more comfortable.

There is a human desire for connection. In order to weaken or destroy connections, you must first demonize an individual or group. Vested self-interest, always tied to money, needs to create a “not-like-me”. We see this repeatedly throughout history. Hitler, backed by corporations, created the class of  “not-like-me,” i.e., Jews and Gypsies, “We eat them”.  And so they did.

Corporations got cheap labor, as in all slave states, when the “not-like-me” were dehumanized and worked until death. To detract from real issues, groups of people were scape-goated and the rest were worked into a frenzy. What is remarkable is the consistency of the groundwork, no matter when or where. The enmity, the manipulation of old wounds, dissatisfactions and rage focused on those deemed, “not-like-me.”

We were reminded of stories concerning an Indian tribe that socialized for warriors. The training began in infancy. The child, was happily fed at his mother’s breast until it was used to the comfort. Then, a bitter substance was placed on the nipple to frustrate the child and, in many cases, as the child continued to reach for comfort and sustenance, it would be struck on the head and its anger turned outward. Many more steps followed, but the tribe had its warriors. Frustration and hatred were always directed outward.

What is both hopeful and amazing is that, in every time and place, there have always been people for whom altruism trumps self-interest. These are people who have sacrificed for others because they see them as members of their neighborhood of humanity. God bless them!

Oliver & Barbara

Psychologist Erik Erikson recognized the importance of the external world and the events, challenges, important people, traumas, and successes that went into the development of the building blocks of life.

Erikson understood the importance of early development in stabilizing and setting in motion life-long patterns of reaction and behavior. Early development used to be thought of as stages, not as an ongoing process, and that tasks were to be completed or deficits would result. But many now think that some things are necessary throughout the life cycle: reinforcement, mirroring, attunement, being on your wavelength, being seen, being heard. We thought it would be of value to look at Erikson’s eight stages of development in our world today, at any age, in the environments in which we find ourselves, and to see what that might mean. Development never stops and change is always possible.

Erikson’s first stage is the oral stage, from birth to 18 months, during which the conflict is trust versus mistrust. During this stage, the infant develops trust because of loving, responsive caregivers. The feeding ritual is important for development of trust, safety, and comfort: it shows that all’s right with the world.

Now, suppose all 99% of us are the infants, and we’re looking to trustworthy authority figures for this. Unfortunately, instead of inspiring trust, safety, and nurturance, we get disruptive behavior, mendacity, vapid speeches, idiotic debates, mean-spiritedness, demonizing of the less fortunate…and the repetitive lesson that whoever has and holds on to the most toys gets power, and that is good. This leads to adversarial relationships: us versus them. If you are elected, you will be protected, not give protection (e.g., insider trading) or receive special treatment that would not extend to those in your care (e.g., top-of-the-line healthcare for elected officials).

If the infant internalizes that he cannot trust and is not safe, he develops a basic sense of mistrust. That would seem to be an accurate description of the state of things today with our political process. Respect for Congress, for example, is at an all-time low. This is a very sad state of affairs. It creates a bad prognosis for the infant, unless the situation changes, and it’s not much better for us.

We need to require our leadership to meet a criterion for good citizenship, good role modeling, so as to earn our trust. It might require public financing for election campaigns to create a level playing field with debates of substance, not games of “gotcha!”

What happens in infancy leaves a profound impact. What happens when the bond between leaders and everyone else is tarnished and broken—and when respect for institutions is sullied—is unacceptable. We need to do what the infant cannot: to hold those in authority to a higher, appropriate standard.

Oliver & Barbara

Politics have become an expensive distraction from the very real and serious issues confronting our country. The differences in vision, perspective, and solutions that should be offered by the two major parties are never articulated. Everything becomes a bumper sticker. When those who seek office from both parties, instead of promulgating and offering real visions for the country, engage in childish games of ‘gotcha’, and personal attacks people turn away and turn off.

Respect for both parties in Congress is at an all-time low. The spectacle of unlimited money flowing into coffers while we are being told there is no money for the real needs of individuals, cities and states, causes people  to become cynical and think it’s all one big scam. This is not good for the country, our future, the political process itself, our ways of being with each other and our long term good.

There are those citizens who believe the system is broken beyond salvaging  and that what we need is radical restructuring. Trying to change the process during an election year seems futile, but we are always in the midst of somebody’s election or reelection.

There are examples in other countries of practicing civility within the  political process. There is respectful restraint. In Mexico, slander is a crime. Spreading rumors, speaking ill of others are punishable offenses. Campaigns are time-limited in many countries. Something is amiss when people never cease campaigning.

The Arab Spring and occupy movements are real. They are reactions to what is perceived as abuse of power, the corruption of money, massive waste, and except for campaign rhetoric, a lack of concern for citizens.

So what could be done to clean up our process and under what circumstances? Those who believe money and corporations, supplying much of it, are one root of the problem are joining organizations such as Move to Amend, in an attempt to change the system legally. Others join in peaceful protest  and their numbers grow and spread. Has the process become so toxic that change is a hope and dream, not a reality or is change happening from the ground up, one person at a time?

In To Find the Way of Love, Deehan articulates civilization’s essential problem. as hierarchy.

Hierarchy does not connote leadership per se. It promotes the evil of inequality. There are many examples of leadership, rooted in freedom and equality, that have had profound and beneficial impacts on the world.

In the Constitution, the House and Senate were set up as bodies of equals. That is no longer true. Hierarchy was introduced to give greater power to members having seniority. That decision gave them effective control in both bodies. This is not in the Constitution. Why does no one speak to that problem?

What politician would be brave enough to campaign to change this hierarchical system? The Constitution does not give the power to individual Senators to hold up Presidential appointments. The imposed rules of hierarchy do that. If your party is in power, you support this violation of the Constitution and the intent of its creators. Then, the day comes when the opposing party is in power. Both create deadlock, wasting time, taxpayer money and using up what little credit they have left with the people. How can this benefit our country?

As in all hierarchies, those governing the House and Senate, do not believe in the equality of their members. These branches of government often appear more like fraternities than bodies elected to take care of the people’s business. Inequality, the root of all evil, is the governing ethic.  the Rules of the political parties are regarded as superior to Constitutional dictates. Ironically, both parties use their interpretation of the Constitution as a means of getting what they want. The Constitution is treated as a document of convenience.

REINTRODUCING THE CONCEPT OF: “ONE MAN, ONE VOTE” INTO THE HOUSE AND SENATE RULES WOULD BEGIN TO REESTABLISH DEMOCRACY WITHIN GOVERNMENT.

To Find the Way of Love, describes man’s journey and multiple choices, past and present, leading to this moment in time; political choices, social choices, economic choices. The author describes how through another set of choices, based on freedom and equality, in their deepest meaning, civilization may yet be saved from itself and find the purpose of our existence.

Oliver & Barbara

The first programs to be cut from school curriculums, at least in the United States, are the arts. They are considered dispensable, a luxury, not important, but they may well be a necessity. There is a transformative nature to all arts. For many people, participation in an art form is the first time they experience possibilities undreamt of before.

While doing research for my book, I came across an inspiring story about a high school in Compton, California, plagued with student violence and crime. Although the school had no money to support activities in the arts, two teachers (one black, one white) wanted to stage a play. It would be the school’s first theatrical production in 40 years.

Because there were no funds and no facilities, the teachers chose an inherently bare bones play, Our Town, a quintessentially Yankee drama, to be cast with predominantly Hispanic and African-American students, many of them gang members. Lacking any semblance of an auditorium, they used the cafeteria for rehearsals and performances.

It seemed to begin as an exercise in futility. Nobody quite understood why they had to take part in this foolishness—they complained, made fun, made gang signs—yet nobody quit. They stuck with the task without quite understanding why. Over time, a sense of purpose and understanding developed.  Many cast members described their feelings as it being the first time they felt they could do something important and there was a palpable sense of pride.

The transformation was exhilarating and the performances were sold out. Family, friends, classmates, and community members came. A Los Angeles city councilman attended, and the school was given a grant for the next year’s production.

Southern California is also home to the Los Angeles Philharmonic, one of the best orchestras in the world, currently led by the great, much acclaimed conductor, Gustavo Dudamel. Dudamel is a product of Venezuela’s Sistema.

One of many expressions of the Sistema is the world famous Simon Bolivar Youth Orchestra. All of this was the vision and accomplishment of Sr. Jose Antonio Abreu.  He gave poor children instruments and lessons and put them in musical groups. The number of Venezuelan children who are products of the Sistema and playing in various orchestras has grown exponentially and future plans are now to include homeless children as well.

Sr. Abreu made a compelling case. He convinced successive governments that if you give a child an instrument, teach him to play, include him in a musical group, perhaps an Orchestra, and teach him to love music, he will not pick up a gun. And for the last 40 years in Venezuela, no matter which political party has been in power, all have supported the Sistema.

These examples in Compton and Venezuela stand as a striking challenge to the common United States assumption that youth arts programs are nonessential.

Barbara & Oliver

NP stands for negative predictions, our tendency to predict bad things that will certainly happen to us, our loved ones, or our world. We confuse possibilities with probabilities and this leads to anxiety spikes and, for some, obsessing about the dire consequences of our predictions.

NAT stands for negative automatic thoughts, usually about ourselves, e.g., “I’m bad. I’m a loser. I made all the wrong choices. I am unlovable.” The possibilities of NAP are endless. 

We read somebody’s version of Chicken Little, “The sky is falling” and it’s the end of our world, the end of money, the end of life as we know it, and we react. Some of us think it might be possible. Some think it’s probable. Some believe it’s coming soon, and therein lies the difference in our anxiety levels.

In times of great uncertainty, when chaos and confusion are everywhere, and the arc of political behavior ranges from unkindness to downright viciousness and lies, with many preying on local, national, and international fears, the challenge is how to keep one’s head. How can we remain centered when it seems like threats of violence and danger are everywhere? Some people become extremely anxious. Some just check out. Some actively deny what’s going on. And some join the clamor and din, thirsting for some sort of victory-no matter the cost to trust, civility, and the common good.

Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) examines interactions between thoughts, feelings, behavior, and physiology from the perspective that each drives and affects the others. If your history and your habit of reactivity have set you up to believe negative predictions, or, NAPs about things that will happen two seconds, two minutes, two days, two weeks, or two years from now, how true are they? Where is the evidence that supports the NPs? Where is the alternative evidence that the predictions are not 100% true? 

One CBT strategy is to deal with one NP at a time and to remember that until it actually happens, it is only a prediction. If you identify the trigger, meaning the event, thought, action, or something you read or hear that sets everything in motion, then you can identify the feeling that leads to the NP about yourself, such as the thoughts of “I’m a loser. I’m a fraud.”

With the trigger/feeling identified, the next step is to look at every piece of evidence that supports that NP, and then to look at every piece of alternative evidence that it is not 100% true. If you do the work, you will find there is an unlimited amount of alternative evidence. Possibilities are not probabilities. NPs are not facts. It takes work to retrain yourself but the rewards of arriving at a place of balance, more than justify that work.

“If you can keep your head while all about you are losing theirs” you’ll be better off for it. You’ll also be clear about when taking some kind of action is appropriate.

Barbara & Oliver

An event occurred more than 50 years ago that stays with me. I was a 23 year old Navy fighter pilot aboard the  aircraft carrier USS Coral Sea, 1000 feet long with a crew of 3000. We were in the Mediterranean at anchor in Istanbul, Turkey. A 60-foot scow approached carrying provisions for the ship. A Turk , standing in the bow was ordered to take the boat and produce portside. The following dialogue ensued:

PORTSIDE! PORTSIDE!          I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR CAPTAIN.

PORTSIDE! PORTSIDE!         ARE YOU THE CAPTAIN?

                NO.                           WELL, I AM AND I WANT TO SPEAK  WITH  YOURS.

Our Captain appeared. The men greeted each other and the scow went portside.

This meeting happened because of a long standing naval custom; ‘Captains greet Captains,’ despite accepted designation of levels of importance based on size, cost and power.

Where are our internalized customs of mutuality and respect for our common humanity? How is our fear of differences…not like me… to be mitigated, so the question asked centuries ago, and still operative today,  when confronting anyone different, “Do I eat you or greet you?”  will be answered in the new society by, “I greet you”  in an awareness of the purpose of our existence.

Barbara & Oliver

This morning, over coffee, two interesting items caught our attention.

We are presently in San Miguel, Mexico, and the Spanish word of the day was:
                                                culpable:
                                 guilty, culpable, accusable
          Ejemplo: cuando me siento culpable no pongo nerviosa y me puedo dormir.
                    When I feel guilty, I become nervous and I cannot sleep.

The second item was a quote heading up an article we received on the Internet called, “It’s the Corporate State, Stupid.” The quote was, “Fascism should more properly be called corporatism because it is the merger of state and corporate power.” Benito Mussolini

Fade to seventy years ago on December 7. There was a sneak attack by Japan on the US naval base at Pearl Harbor. Five thousand Americans died that day in the prelude to what has been described as a necessary war. One questions if there have been many really necessary wars. This was one that humanity agreed upon. The United States declared war on the Axis of Evil, Germany, Japan and Italy. It was a war against fascism, understood well by Mussolini, who was its inventor and representative, and subsequently imitated by Hitler.

So, fascism should more properly be called corporatism because it is that merger of state and corporate power. Anyone getting nervous? We all should be.

If the US declaration of war in 1941 was a military response to a military attack, in a larger sense it was a democratic response to totalitarian aggression. We must remain aware that it was corporate power that made and supported both Mussolini and Hitler as Heads of State. Corporations thrived while blood ran everywhere and terror controlled the populace.

Worldwide, we have seen that if we are ignorant of history, we are doomed to repeat it. The reptilian brain is powerful, and politicians can play on the archaic, “like me, I greet you; not like me, I eat you.” Watch politicians today in the US, and in the world, use that primal divider.

Because we live in a country where free speech is protected, growing movements against the pernicious influence of corporations in politics don’t go underground. They are out in the open, on the Internet, occupying physical space, and our minds.

The current protests are in response to egregious usurping of power by people who believe they deserve it (the divine right of kings), that business should have no ethics, and you are as good as what you can get away with. Great crimes were committed by the financial wizards who made something out of nothing, except for themselves. Who was called out? Who went to jail?

And then, the Supreme Court, once an institution commanding great pride and respect, decided, in a logic undecipherable, that corporations were people, or at least were entitled to the same rights and protection as citizens. Then, the smoke of protest spread far and wide.

The Occupy movement is in its infancy. Move to Amend is an organization trying to use the system to protect the system; our system, the best experiment on Earth, to keep it safe, to keep it free, to keep it protected from all the special interests and power groups that attempt to destroy what we all hold dear.

Thomas Jefferson declared, “Eternal vigilance is the price of freedom.”

If we are not willing to pay that price, we are all culpable.

Barbara & Oliver

When you spend twenty years pondering the genesis of a book that preoccupies your thinking and concerns and then, ten years researching, writing and dreaming about the topic, suddenly it’s in print for anyone to see, and what was in your hand is in the world.

It has been likened to your children going out into the world, and you hope they are equipped and fortunate enough to make a good life.

Because I think I am writing about a subject well known to those who will read this blog, I feel I am among compatriots who will understand the feelings involved.

Shortly after the birth of this book, my wife and I began living on Twitter, posting weekly blogs and approaching Facebook.

Then came comments, which were satisfying. Next, an excellent review from Kirkus Indie which ended with, “In this short yet profound work, hierarchy is the disease and “love,” in the form of freedom and equality, is the cure. Sadly, one need only look at the profound challenges facing today’s ego-driven self-interested world to realize that. An impressive foray into the inner workings of modern civilization and how it might yet be saved from itself.”

Then, came a five-star review from Clarion. I reprint it here because what resonated with me was the people whose profession is reading and critiquing books, read my book and gave me back a confirmation of the meaning I intended.

The child is out in the world and its outlook is positive.

Oliver & Barbara

ForeWord Clarion Review

To Find The Way of Love: The Purpose of Our Existence

Oliver E. Deehan

Five Stars (Out of Five Stars)

Oliver Deehan, a meticulous researcher and observer, seeks to show how love is the answer to human existence in To Find The Way of Love: The Purpose of Our Existence.

For twenty years, Deehan has sought to understand humankind’s place in the Universe when it comes to life and love through science, the social sciences, theology and philosophy. Deehan believes that the phenomenon of a monotheistic deity – in this case, God’s existence – is in itself love. He draws from material by well-known authors, including Will Durant and Carl Sagan.

Deehan writes, “The importance of relationships in human affairs cannot be overstated. There is implicit recognition of this importance in our role designations . . .  In all of these relationships, we as individuals must promote freedom and equality. That is the way of love.” While his explanation of love seems simple, its application is complex. We must first comprehend what Deehan calls “the fundamental and lasting ramifications of our biological and physiological inheritance.” When we put individualism before relationships, he believes, inequalities occur and surely evil will ensue. “Evil is a product of human society. . . Each of us is guilty of doing evil every time we support inequality in a relationship,” he writes. “Evil is a matter of choice. It is an exercise in free will. This means man is not controlled by evil and he does not need to choose it.”

To Find the Way of Love is a small book, but it contains a wealth of information presented in a carefully researched and detailed fashion. The author makes a compelling case for altruism and equality in order to outpace the dinosaur’s time on Earth. Deehan merges science, economics, sociology, history and theology into an accessible and easily understood treatise based on logic, common sense and spirituality. Deehan’s ideas for a “New Society” based on love will resonate with many people and could promote new ideas for a better world.                                                                                                                                              Lee Gooden

Everything that expands also contracts. Call it balance. There is a cycle to life. We are born and everything is new. We expand daily. We can’t learn enough fast enough, try enough new things. We experiment daily, with boundless energy. In the expansion phase of life, everything is possible in the excitement of each new day. Then as years pass, the mind may or may not expand, but the body contracts. People even get shorter. The dimensions of the world we live in contract, too. The lesson appears to be that we should expand while and how we can.

All living things have their day, says the Bible. Trees can grow to be centuries old and then one day, man cuts them down. Some people swear that trees cry when they die. They have borne silent witness to man’s foolishness for so long, and in an instant their vigil is over.

Empires rise up and conquer, spreading their will and their way over the world for good or evil. Then their power wanes, and they contract into oblivion or become just another player.

Even the planet’s surface expands and contracts. Islands suddenly emerge or disappear under water. Mountains thrust upward and wear down. Configurations change. Many believe global warming will have a serious affect on our planet. Others deny that such a phenomenon exists, or that we humans are in any way responsible. Whichever belief turns out to be true, it remains to be seen whether it leads to expansion or contraction. of our Earth.

Then there are the animals that from over-fishing, poaching, and senseless killing become extinct. Not a natural contraction, just an ending to myriad species.

In an amusing irony, the Bible also says, “And the last shall be first.” It is generally acknowledged that those who will survive long after we are all gone are the insects, in particular cockroaches. Those brittle, hated, reviled creatures, literally stepped on, may well inherit the Earth.

And a new cycle will begin.

Oliver & Barbara