Parenting may have been mankind’s first and most important altruistic act. For hunter-gatherers, parenting was downright courageous, as children were a liability in the continual migration that was essential for survival—but parent they did. We would not be here on Earth, almost 8 billion of us, were it not for our ancestors’ serious commitment to procreation.
Today, as then, the purpose of human parenting is to nurture and prepare progeny for independent and interdependent living, coaching them to navigate our complicated world and create a place within it in a self-sustaining way. Societies have always tried to publicize the beliefs, traits, and priorities they most valued, just as parents from the past and present have inevitably faced the fundamental question, “What qualities do we consider important to instill in our children?”
If we want to raise children to be kind, caring, and mindful of our interdependency, the process must begin with the children’s primary caregivers, their first and most crucial teachers. We all know that role modeling and imitation are fundamental teaching and learning experiences. Parental modeling of mutual respect sets the stage for a child to internalize that we can be different yet equal. The most important people in a child’s life must demonstrate that having different strengths and different functions does not diminish their basic equality.
It might be helpful to pause here and consider Erik Erikson, a developmental psychologist, and his perspective on childhood development. It is a guide to the stages of development he believed children pass through and the conflicts they face at every stage. As parents with the exciting but challenging task of guiding our children through their formative years, a brief summary seems relevant.
Erikson’s theory of developmental stages illuminates primary conflicts that he believed we face during distinct periods of growth. For example, from birth to about 18 months, the infant experiences a conflict of trust versus mistrust in interactions with caregivers. Next, until about three years old, the conflict is autonomy versus shame and doubt. While beginning to explore the world and gain bodily control, a new sense of independence is achieved, but the child who is slow to master toilet training or other functions can suffer from feelings of parental disappointment.
As the child continues to test the waters of independence from three to six years old, in the stage labeled, “initiative versus guilt,” parents can be on the lookout for a child’s attempt to explore independence and respond with a blend of encouragement and support within loving limits.
In the middle-school years of six to 12, the child is in a new world of demands and expectations where the conflict is “industry versus inferiority.” While we buttress the growth of self-confidence during these stages, it is also vital to guide children toward solutions to problems or conflicts with an understanding of fairness and how every one wants to be treated. Children who feel supported in their development and approved of by their caregivers are usually empathic and kind to others.
It is sometimes overlooked that for humans, parenting continues well past puberty. Erikson’s developmental stages continue through adolescence and beyond, as does the need for parents to support the emerging independence and skills of their teenage and even adult children. From 12 to 18 years, with peers becoming a stronger guiding force, identity versus role confusion is the primary conflict, so the challenge is belonging while forming a cohesive identity. Intimacy versus isolation is the conflict from 18 through midlife, followed in mid- to later life by a time of “passing the torch” and supporting the next generation.
Throughout this developmental sequence, it is tremendously helpful—perhaps essential—for parents to encourage and support the life-affirming quality of “plays well with others.” (I expand further on this theme in To Find The Way Of Love.) Indeed, a growing body of knowledge persuasively illustrates the benefits of supportive relationships on physical and mental health, and even longevity. Parenting is certainly challenging, but for those of us who choose that path, it may well be the most important and valuable thing we do in our lives.
Barbara & Oliver