Tag Archives: To Find The Way Of Love

Inequality and Evil

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I mention in my book, To Find the Way of Love, that although the concepts of inequality and evil are absent from each of the dual theories of the Universe’s creation—the physical and the spiritual—the concepts of freedom and equality do appear in both. Freedom and equality are conceived in these theories as characteristics possessed by all of the fundamental particles that comprise all matter. The particles are equal in that no particle is better than any other or controls any other; and yet, particles can be different from one another, as iron differs from oxygen and protons differ from electrons. They are different but equal.

Only in recent millennia did this natural paradox become important, and problematic, as humans began to attach value judgments to differences. The reasoning arose that if two things were different, one had to be better than the other. This reasoning was extended, incorrectly, to people; if two people were different, one was superior to the other. Thus, inequality and evil appeared together—long after the Universe came to be.

Evil is not some mysterious thing: it is any act or belief that interferes with freedom and equality, or with the formation of free and equal relationships. It’s only a matter of belief, for example, that because men and women are different, one must therefore be better than the other. Such assumptions of inequality are the root of evil.

Perhaps ironically, this human propensity to make comparisons and turn them into negative judgments evolved from a crucial survival mechanism that first appeared eons ago in the mammalian brain. With a new brain structure, the limbic system, came mammals’ drive and ability to nurture and protect their offspring; and unlike their reptilian forebears, mammalian brains carried an innate prohibition against eating their brethren. This meant they also had to evolve a capability to rapidly identify others of their own kind, thereby solving the “eat or greet” dilemma posed when meeting a stranger.

Unfortunately, what was once a positive survival mechanism has since become a destructive, self-limiting means for discriminating against anyone or anything that’s different from the self or what the self is accustomed to. It would be a better world if each of us took responsibility for our biases and their consequences. It would be a safer world for all of us if differences were not so often, automatically, imbued with value judgments. It would be an impressive step forward for humanity and its future if we could move beyond those ancient, instinctive discriminatory impulses to a more conscious recognition of the potential value in our differences, and to an awareness of the necessity for treating all humans, despite differences, with respect as equals. Perhaps becoming mindful of the way of love can be a key to making that transition.

Oliver & Barbara

How Not To Screw Up A Relationship

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We recently saw some interesting figures on single-ness in the United States. Two years ago, 43% of Americans over 18 were single; of that group, 61% had never married, 24% were divorced, and 15% were widowed (CNN Living, August 19, 2010). Then and now, alarming numbers of failed partnerships reflect the difficulty of meeting relationship challenges. Nevertheless, singles in America ten years ago spent over $489 million in one year to find each other, and despite ever-rising divorce rates, television ads for dating services show that they’re still at it. (Imagine what today’s expenditure might be.)

Who’d have thought statistics and commercials could speak to human longings for relationship? And results from study after study continually testify to longevity’s correlation with happiness in relationships and social networks. Bad relationships are stressful, lonely, and unhealthful. Good relationships are as good as it gets!

The contentment and happiness possible through mutually supportive partnerships is an achievement that supports health, stability, a sense of belonging, and opportunities for growth. It’s easy to forget, though, that relationship achievements, like all other meaningful achievements, take work, effort, skill, even practice. For those who’ve found their partners, and for those who will, the great challenge becomes not to screw it up.

It’s a given that all people come with their own strengths and weaknesses. Differences between individuals are inevitable but don’t have to spell relationship doom. They can even contribute positively: differences mean that together, a couple can do better than either one separately, because between them they have more resources available. Recognizing strength in differences, however, requires both a tolerance of differences and a mutuality of respect. If either person in a dyad doesn’t regard the other as an equal, trouble looms.

Along with respect, sharing and listening are “intimacy essentials.” Listening, though not always easy, is an indispensable part of sharing. Patience is another important element, especially in times of stress. All of these elements build trust, and all are crucial buttresses of a successful intimate relationship.

Close relationships demand an honesty with self and other that can be difficult or scary. Many people are conflict-avoidant and keep differences hidden rather than airing them; unfortunately, this creates and perpetuates secrecy and emotional distance. It may take courage to speak up, but doing so is a significant demonstration of trust in ourselves and in our partner. Saying “This is who I am, this is how I feel” is healthy (and gets easier with practice).

Secrecy is to be avoided. The resentment secrecy feeds is toxic and can build an impenetrable wall, turning partners into enemies. To combat this, both parties must be willing to act with honesty and courage to clear the air. Whenever relating gets difficult for any reason, a first critical question to ask yourself is, “How am I contributing to this?” The next step is to own up to it and invite your partner to meet you halfway.

Everyone brings baggage of past hurts, traumas, and disappointments, along with a host of assumptions and expectations, into adulthood and into relationships. Self-relationship and unresolved issues are major factors in any attempted partnership. We often choose a partner who puts us up against our old wounds and unfinished business. With honesty and courage, people have many chances to grow and heal within a dyad instead of reenacting past dramas and unhappiness.

Eventually, as daily routines and preoccupations take over, couples can come to disregard the specialness of their achievement together. But we’ve found a great reminder: weekly “couple meetings,” to talk about each other’s actions that we appreciated during the week. It’s also a good opportunity to clear up misunderstandings or anything that felt awry. Even 15 minutes put aside for significant sharing, without interference from other commitments, sends a mutual message of valuing special time together no matter what else is going on.

The longer we two are a couple, the more strongly we feel that intimate relationships offer bountiful rewards, and the more often we’re reminded that reaping these rewards requires practicing honesty, courage, patience, kindness, sharing, self-review, self-control…and upholding a basic tenet that underlies the ability to have any kind of positive interpersonal relationship: respect for human equality.

Oliver and Barbara

Inspiration of AA

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I stopped drinking 35 years ago and I have been clean and sober ever since.

When I began to think about the things that mattered to me that became my book, “To Find The Way Of Love,” I thought about the Twelve Steps of A.A. which have influenced my life. Anonymity would preclude any personal discussion of aspects of my experience, but the Twelve Steps, available to anyone, are shining examples of a way of relating without judgment from others. We all need an environment in which to grow, at any age, despite what may have interfered with that growth. Drugs and alcohol are two of many disabling factors in what we think of as normal development. There are others.

A.A. and a ‘good enough’ family environment provide what has been described as a holding environment in which we can develop and begin to learn who we are in relationship to others. First, we have to learn who we are. That grows from within. Advice, judgment, shame, criticism are not helpful to this process. Finding oneself amidst all the noise is.  It is one of life’s most important challenges.

I had an experience many years ago that had a profound effect on me. There was a big costume Halloween Party at a restaurant hosted by a design firm that worked for the Medical Center of which I was Senior Vice President of Planning. Everyone was disguised: I went as a clown, unrecognizable in costume and elaborate face painting. My nose was a large red bulb. Looking at a picture now many years later I can see how I wouldn’t have recognized myself. I never spoke, but made hand signals and pointed. I spent the entire evening without revealing myself, even when I was leaving. Nobody knew who I was. I had a very large social circle of personal and business friends, of many years, many present, yet I was able to remain anonymous for hours.

The next day I woke with the thought that I was the only person in the room who knew who I was. That was a whole new experience.

Oliver & Barbara

Why Are Relationships So Important

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My wife, Barbara and I have talked about how we think it is a good sign when the teacher or other observer of the scene says your kid “plays well with others.”

It’s comforting to think that child will grow surrounded by friends, over the years, to laugh with and share with and cry with.

In my book, “To Find The Way Of Love” I say that relationships define us more then our achievements. I was struck by Steve Jobs’ response to his biographer Walter Isaacson as reported in Time, October 17. When asked why he, such a private man, was willing to open up about himself through numerous hours of interviews he is reported to have said to Isaacson; “I wanted my kids to know me. I wasn’t always there for them and I wanted them to know why and to understand what I did.”

Steve Jobs was an acknowledged visionary and genius who had a profound relationship with his work and through that all of us. The vast outpouring of grief that followed his death speaks to that. Barbara and I were at an Apple store the next day and felt deeply moved by the growing tributes, flowers, apples, pictures, messages left outside the door in tribute. But as the end of his life approached it was his family that mattered. That was his priority. It’s a valuable exercise to imagine how we would spend the last week of our life, if we had advance knowledge.

I like to think that the test of a man or woman is how they play with others. Not the number of relationships, but the quality of one’s ability to relate and care and feel. It’s interesting that what has been said about psychopaths is that they lack empathy, the capacity to put themselves in another’s shoes. Given the environment today, some might say that because our elected officials are largely out of touch with the people who elected them, their fellow citizens, the disconnect gets larger daily as does the anger. Now we have groups protesting in Wall Street and many other locations across the nation, and growing.

Our relationships express our humanity. Our relationships can express our equality, person to person. Despite differences in ability, power, money, luck, and we are all born live and die. That is our common human experience. The rest is what happens in between. I would wish for a world in which “plays well with others” remains important and can make a person proud.

Oliver & Barbara