Back to Erikson’s stages of psychosocial development… He describes the seventh stage, what is often called middle adulthood (approximately 40 to 65 years old), as a period in which there is—or should be—a focus on supporting and assisting the next generation, the beginning of passing on the torch. Parenting and grandparenting are two ways this is enacted. Meanwhile, “middle adults” are simultaneously contending with their stage’s central conflict: generativity versus stagnation.

Our times are no doubt different from Erikson’s, of course. And we’ve been thinking about exactly what is passed along during middle adulthood, and how it’s affected by the times—often radically different from one generation to another. For instance, how are middle adults’ psychosocial messages affected by an economic depression or recession? Folks who lived through America’s Great Depression were frequently thrifty, sometimes anxious; yet often, their children turned out to be risk-takers.

People in middle adulthood offer those who are following them a mix of messages and varied types and degrees of support. Parents usually want their children to have it even better than they did themselves, and to live the best lives they can…but of course, it cannot be just their children. Some lucky grandparents get a second chance at passing on their knowledge and providing support, this time with advantages of more age, experience, and wisdom than during the first go-round.

A recently televised discussion about unemployment, the recession, the impossible cost of education—and young people’s dismal prospects without it—raised serious questions about our generation’s priorities and generativity. If education and training are not universally put within the reach of our young, then as a country we will not have done our critical job of supporting and assisting them. Erikson characterizes middle adulthood’s basic conflict of generativity versus stagnation as one which our government must heed. Without education and training, competition in the world is difficult, to say the least, and it is not just the younger generation that stagnates: so does the older generation, and so does the country.

0liver & Barbara

Today, Oliver had a byline on HLN about getting through the political season while maintaining your sanity. We endure this “besmirched gladiatorial combat” every four years, and it begins to feel as though life is finite but political campaigns are infinite.

He reflected on three points in the article: “Don’t let the talking heads scare you,” “Look for appeals to altruism or self-interest,” and “It’s better not to divide the world into angels and devils, because your angel is someone else’s devil.”

Campaigns provide endless fodder for talking heads, be they on TV or radio or in print. Everyone has an opinion. Everyone exaggerates, sometimes a little, sometimes a lot. To earn a living, they must fill countless broadcast hours or column-inches to grab people’s attention and hold on to it against all the competition. Whose scandal is today’s front-page news? What’s the latest revelation, prediction, or disaster about to befall us? The pundits become ever more extreme in their predictions of what will ensue if the “other party” gets power.

We think it’s revealing to listen for whether a campaign appeals to voters’ self-interest or altruism. Are we being reminded that we’re all in this together? Or are we promoting the development of an even more hierarchical, money-driven society? That second direction is not the purpose of our existence, and it makes for a harsh environment. When there is great poverty, we are all impoverished and the world becomes more hostile—the opposite of the way of love.

It’s important to know the issues at hand in any campaign, stripped of their political coating. The world is not all black and white, angels and devils. Remember that your angel is someone else’s devil. Issues are in the same category – not black and white, all good or all bad. Whatever became of respectful accommodation and compromise?

A great and essential unifier is laughter. We all like to laugh. Many articles and books have reminded us of the power of laughter; it’s healing and provides perspective. To get through the ongoing political season, we recommend laughing as often and as much as possible. If you aren’t in a state of extreme duress, you can see an absurdity to this life that we humans co-create. Enjoy the absurdity!

Oliver & Barbara

Erik Erikson’s sixth stage of psychosocial development roughly spans ages 19 to 40, when the main conflict is intimacy versus isolation. Love is the goal—but that doesn’t only mean love within a couple, “romantic love” bathing everything in a glow of perfection and bliss. Rather, the goal includes love between various individuals (family members, friends, and so forth).

An even more enlarged perspective on love is described in To Find The Way Of Love (Oliver’s book). Briefly stated, the way of love is a way of living with other human beings, a way that opens our personal world for connectedness and openness, a way in which isolation is not the primary state of being.

While discussing Erikson’s sixth stage, we happened on an article by Jane E. Brody in the New York Times (March 27, 2012) on the compelling subject of “Forging Social Connections for Longer Life.” Brody describes losing her husband of 44 years, with whom she shared a deep bond. She reports how, for the first year after his death, her very loving social network gathered around to ease the emptiness—but as time passed and life’s demands on those people made them less attentive, she felt ultimately alone.

The article goes on to mention some research findings that we all know intuitively as truths. For example, people in healthy relationships or with good social networks tend to thrive and live longer; even people who suffer heart attacks and persist in unhealthy lifestyles but maintain social connectedness live longer than heart attack victims without such connections.

Much has been written about the demonstrated healing properties of touch, and it’s no surprise that chronic loneliness is probably linked to depression, because we are not wired to be isolated. Punishment involving excessive restriction, such as solitary confinement in incarceration, can put both sanity and health at risk.

Many animals live in groups, some even as lifelong pairs. It is biologically and psychologically human to want and need connection. Within healthy social interactions are support, reinforcement, affection, and the experience of being seen and heard. The isolated person, however, often suffers from profound injury to trust, bonding, and capacity to relate. Some solitude is good and healthy, and the ability to enjoy one’s own company is valuable—in balance with the ability to connect and form bonds.

To be human is to be one among many. Although life’s demands, expectations, stresses, disappointments, and inevitable losses can feel overwhelming, looking into the mirror of people who reflect our humanity and seeing a friendly space in which to gather our strength is life-affirming and health-promoting.

At the most fundamental level, energy reverberates between two or more energy fields. At the human level, this can result in shared humor, shared pain, the complete experience of sharing. We all need to find the way of love, to make our time on Earth as satisfying, enriching, and long-lasting as possible.

Oliver &  Barbara

A New York Times article by Nicholas Kristof caught our attention on September 15, 2011, and we put it aside for later. Now, it’s later!

Writing about poverty in Kenya, Kristof described Jane, a “prostitute-turned-businesswoman” who single-handedly lifted her family out of that poverty. Her world was very dangerous, and she had turned to prostitution for five years when her husband left after the second of her three small children.

But then, thirteen years ago, Jane joined JAMI BORA, Kenya’s largest microfinance organization. JAMI BORA is itself remarkable, founded by fifty street beggars and now boasting 300,000 members. In addition to small loans, the organization offers educational resources that cover many crucial aspects of productive living. (It also offers supported sobriety for people struggling with addiction.)

Jane learned about savings, entrepreneurship, and housing possibilities. With what she learned and the money she borrowed from JAMI BORA, she bought a sewing machine and began a business of making new bridal gowns from used gowns. Eventually, Jane’s business was so successful that she was able to buy a small house in the suburbs and watch her children excel in school.

Kristof’s article illustrated how precarious life without any back-up can be, and how unexpected outside assistance can help to save a family from tragedy. Of course, outside help is not always available. This made us think about the personal qualities and other circumstances needed to rise out of life’s difficulties and limitations.

In today’s United States, more than 10 million people are out of work, often for long periods, and we’re reminded that during the Great Depression, many despairing Americans committed suicide. Certainly, a poverty-stricken prostitute and mother in Kenya with no schooling beyond the eighth grade and nothing to cushion her could have succumbed to “reality.” But instead, Jane co-created a better reality. What does it take to do that?

In a previous blog, we mentioned the importance of cultivating vision beyond circumstances. It would seem that the fortitude of an inner vision, of belief in possibilities, would be reparative: to help combat feelings of helplessness and hopelessness, and also to weaken the previously indomitable appearance of reality. Jane joined an organization that knew full well the realities of life for Kenya’s poor and uneducated, but they offered another vision, and she chose that one.

One could say, “Luck helps”—well, sometimes one has to be in motion, and to pay attention, to attract “luck.” As much as the external support of community made a vital difference in Jane’s story, so did her openness to a radical new experience. When she paid attention to something unusual (JAMI BORA), took advantage of what it had to offer, and made a move, her life changed.

We are greatly helped from inside by drive, energy, flexibility, hope, and creativity. From outside, we also need reminders, inspiration, and teachers. It’s been said that when one is ready, the teacher appears. We can be each other’s teachers—and we can be inspired by true stories like Jane’s. It’s unfinished, as all our stories are. But she’s made it thus far, to raise children with more opportunity than she ever had, and they appear to be fulfilling the promise that this opportunity gives them.

May we all learn whatever we need to from the story of Jane.

Oliver & Barbara

Erik Erikson defined adolescence as the period from twelve to eighteen years old, a time of marked emotional, psychological, and physiological change. In adolescence, life becomes more challenging and difficult, because who we are—separate from family—becomes our focus. We are still dependent on family but are attempting to be “our own person.”

Psychologist Kenneth Kenniston similarly describes this stage as a time of tension between self and the demands of society. He also emphasizes the focus on change during these years, when youth experiences inner development with a longing for external movement; if this longing is frustrated, there is a feeling of “going nowhere.”

Others call adolescence a time of developing a philosophy of life, as we begin to develop and solidify ideas about the world and our role within it. Adolescents have deep ties to their peers and to things they believe in—but ideas and beliefs can be based on wishes, ideals, and passions, and may not be reality-based. Successfully navigating this complex stage of upheaval and passion is essential for role consolidation.

Role consolidation involves the development of one’s sense of identity as an individual within a larger society.  At this stage of development we are invested in our peer interactions and our developing perspective on issues of ethics and morality. Erikson uses the word moratorium because adolescents abandon their previous sense of responsibility within the family. Role confusion occurs if  this stage is not successfully experienced.

Today’s world, with so many people out of work amid stressful economic times, puts added pressure on adolescents who already feel challenged. Many teenagers need part-time jobs but cannot find them; many families are having difficulty with plans to send children to college or professional training; many families are experiencing anxiety and depression. It’s harder to separate and establish an identity apart from family if the family isn’t stable—it’s important that the tree be sturdy if you’re going to push against it.

Developing role consolidation is harder for those whose families undergo death, divorce, job loss, illness, and other traumas during this stage. When those former teens are adults in uncertain times, the role confusion they experienced in adolescence makes uncertainty very difficult to deal with. Living well with uncertainty is man’s life-long challenge. But it’s never too late to learn to adapt. Change and growth is always possible.

Oliver & Barbara

The concept of “social justice” can be defined as the view that everyone deserves equal economic, political, and social rights and opportunities. It’s as good a definition as any—but why should there be social justice?

In To Find The Way Of Love, the point is made that humanity did not have social inequality until we developed hierarchy. Because hierarchy produces (and depends upon) inequality and control, it’s naturally antithetical to the concept of social justice.

The most extreme form of inequality and exploitation within hierarchy is, of course, slavery. Practiced for thousands of years, it’s still tolerated by governments and religions around the world, because slavery has always conveyed economic advantage to slave owners. Forced labor, forced prostitution, forced conscription as soldiers, prison labor (which, according to a recent newspaper article, is now undercutting the private sector)—throughout human history, cheap labor wins out.

Not long ago, the partnership of corporations and state to foster social inequality ended up creating fascism in Italy and Germany. And farther back, many other complex, persistent systems of inequality were established and supported by church and state, sometimes hand-in-glove. Consider the Inquisition, a 500-year atrocity of the church and state together. Or Britain’s doctrine of the “divine right of kings,” promulgated for centuries, that kings derive their right to rule directly from God and are not accountable to their subjects, whose rebellion would be the worst of crimes. (Powerful evidence for the merit of separating church and state…) Thankfully, things are different today. Why?

The demand for social justice grew out of resistance to the oppression practiced by church and state, with their enunciated beliefs that all men and women were NOT created equal and did NOT have certain inalienable rights to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. The question of “Why social justice?” can be answered by an innate sense that appears to be part of human nature. What is stunning is that mankind has never lost the drive to be free and equal, never given up the hope for social justice, no matter the personal cost of striving for it.

Oliver & Barbara

In Erikson’s conception of developmental progression, six to twelve years of age is the latency stage. He saw the focal point for the child’s development in this stage as school, where he/she is challenged to learn new skills and expand his/her social world. Erikson characterizes working on these challenges as “industry.” The latency stage is also a vulnerable time for the child, as Erikson pointed out that challenge and skill-building in a school environment can lead to feelings of inferiority, inadequacy, and failure, which can impair self-esteem and sense of competence.

This can happen in the workplace, too. For the adult, the experience of industry can encompass all skill training and the work environment as well as the work itself. Unfortunately, the last seven years have seen the disappearance of many jobs, a rise in unemployment, and stagnating levels of compensation in many professions. Does your work present an opportunity to feel challenged, with a sense of pride and ownership in your skills? Is there room to grow and a hope of advancement? Or is it dull, with ever-present fears of failure and firing?

An individual typically looks for a number of psychosocial factors that enhance and give special meaning to the workplace. A sense of belonging, for example, is most important to most people in the work arena. In surveys over the years (and there have been many), employees have priority-ranked four particularly important factors as follows: belonging, opportunity to exhibit competence, recognition for performance, and security of employment, or “BORS.” (Consider, too, that it is in an employer’s self-interest to have motivated workers.) Pride of ownership builds confidence and satisfaction. Feeling unappreciated, unseen, or unheard, on the other hand, generates feelings of inadequacy.

We’ve referred in a previous blog to a reality-TV show, “Undercover Boss,” because we find it’s often quite moving. Through the employees selected to interact with their disguised boss, we learn along with the CEO about the people without whom the company would not be as successful, and we witness dramatic, real-life enactments of the importance of the four BORS factors. In a nutshell, the undercover boss goes to various locations of his/her company to be “trained” and perform in hands-on jobs (at which he/she is usually incompetent); the real purpose, however, is to learn “on the ground” about things they would never learn in the executive suite. The CEO is then revealed in meetings with the people who thought they were training him/her, who find themselves on the receiving end of unexpected praise, gratitude, and profit.

It’s exhilarating to see these win-win situations, to watch the expressions of shock and joy in show after show. The employees are overcome with emotion at experiencing the recognition, appreciation, and respect that many of them may rarely receive. “I cannot believe this!” is often exclaimed. Some people just well up with tears and shake their head.

On “Undercover Boss,” something that should be a normal part of our experience together on this planet is shown to be an exception. In acknowledging and using the resource of these people who are knowledgeable about their work, and in rewarding them for their valuable ideas and suggestions, everyone benefits.

In To Find The Way Of Love, the point is made that our relationships define our lives more than our achievements do; but it is apparent that our relationships—when they are anchored in equality and mutuality—enhance our achievements as well.

Oliver & Barbara

In the first hundred years of the first millennium A.D., Plutarch said, “An imbalance between rich and poor is the oldest and most fatal ailment of all republics.”

In the late1800s, political economist Henry George said, “What has destroyed every previous civilization has been the tendency to the unequal distribution of wealth and power.”

In the last century, Justice Louis Brandeis said, “We can have democracy in this country or we can have great concentrated wealth in the hands of a few, but we cannot have both.”

In 2005, journalist Walter Cronkite said, “The ruling class is the rich…And those people are so able to manipulate our democracy that they really control the democracy.”

More recently, journalist Lou Dobbs was quoted as saying, “It is the members of this business elite…that pose the greatest danger to our American way of life. They are the ones who bought and paid for members of both political parties.”

Throughout humanity’s centuries these men and many hundreds like them have sounded the same alarm, whether delivered in philosophical or inflammatory rhetoric: danger lurks!

This danger has been with us since the development of hierarchy. To Find The Way Of Love describes hierarchy as civilization’s disease, and love—expressed as freedom and equality in personal relationships is its cure. It also describes the genesis and development of both self-interest and altruism.

As far as we know, in the hunter-gatherer societies of earliest man, self-interest and the common good were one. That, however, changed with the advent of agriculture and the production of surplus. Surplus was vulnerable to hoarding, which led to hierarchical control, and that hierarchy has existed ever since. Civilization is indeed ailing.

Slavery, feudalism, and the “divine right of kings” were all examples of hierarchy at its worst, with self-interest as their matter-of-fact ethos. Those who slaved for the enrichment of others were nameless and faceless. The human machine that built pyramids, fought wars, and worked the land without rights served the economic interests of the few.

The men and women throughout our history who have sounded the alarm about the dangers resulting from the concentration of wealth, knew what evils lurked in humanity’s past.

The concentration of wealth is synonymous with a widening gap between the haves and have-nots. This is a global problem with many small steps, ultimately leading to large consequences. Here, we will focus on a few selected steps taken during the last 40 years in the United States.

The present concentration of wealth in the U.S. began in the 1960s, when the Nixon administration supported the formation of conglomerates such as the Ling Tempco Vought Corporation. Precursors of today’s hedge funds, conglomerates produced huge profits for their organizers without demonstrably contributing additional value to the national economy. This was the beginning of wealth consolidation through mergers and acquisitions with no value added.

The process accelerated in the 1980s during the Reagan administration, when the percentage of wealth owned by the top 5% of the U.S. population increased substantially. President Reagan also increased the power of the wealthy elite when he fashioned a bailout plan for the Continental of Illinois Bank by introducing the concept of “too big to fail,” the financial community interpreted this as a government guarantee against failure.

This was followed in 1982 by the deregulation, overseen by Vice President Bush, of the savings and loan industry. That deregulation has been described as “the largest theft in the history of the world and US taxpayers are those who were robbed” – of more than 1.4 trillion dollars – and they are still paying.

Then in 1999, President Clinton signed into law, the repeal of the Glass-Steagall Act. This allowed banks to engage in investment activities, which were previously prohibited. The initial bill was introduced by Senator Phil Gramm (R-Texas) and Representative Jim Leach (R-Iowa). Although that bill passed along party lines (Senate 54-44) and  House 362-57), the final bill passed in the Senate 90-8 and the House 362-57, and President Clinton signed it into law.

Between 1999 and 2008, there was wild speculation on the part of U.S. banks in investment activity which led to the worldwide financial crisis that began in 2008. The role that the repeal of  Glass-Steagall played in the ensuing financial crisis has been debated. However, in Europe, there has been an increasing call for new legislation based on the original Glass-Steagall Act. And none of these crises would have occurred had it not been for the enormous concentration of wealth, which seeks transactions that produce profit with no value added.

So now we are back to Plutarch and all the others who have sounded the alarm,  and back to the words that became a prediction throughout the ages: “An imbalance between rich and poor is the oldest and most fatal ailment of all republics.”

Oliver & Barbara

The need to experiment, to learn, grow, and make mistakes, is key to development. Erikson’s stage three covers ages three to six years old, leading to the development of independence and a sense of purpose. This is when we ask questions about our world, about why and how things are so, and we learn by imitation. But healthy exploration and assertion of self during this stage can elicit stern reactions from adults, leading to feelings of guilt.

Relationships with family throughout the life cycle are obviously a major factor in development as well. In many cases, the child, adolescent, and adult, in trying to establish a foundation for their growth, offend or appear to injure family members who may have a different agenda for their present and future. There is often conflict when development separates a person from the family’s wishes, but the bond holds, and guilt arises from either causing injury or anger in other family members. Guilt in the “offending member” is damaging to his/her development.

Think about how your growth, experimentation, development of values, purpose, and direction were experienced by family members. Did you feel supported even if your chosen direction was not one your family would have picked? If you had to choose between disappointing family members and trying alternate paths for yourself, where did your strength and support come from?

It turns out that we were both fortunate in this regard. Oliver was born into an Irish Catholic family, and the expectation was that this would be reflected in his choice of partner. At age 17, he met a young woman at a Red Cross camp with whom he corresponded for a time. A few years later, their correspondence began anew, followed by a brief courtship during Oliver’s training as a Navy fighter pilot. When the pair became engaged, the family was concerned because she was not Catholic. Oliver’s father was especially upset and said he could not attend the wedding because it was a violation of his beliefs. However, when the couple married one year later, the entire family attended. Oliver’s father chose his relationship with his son over his conflicted beliefs.

As for Barbara, she discovered acting at nine years of age and became serious about it—although at that time, no one in her community was in the arts, except perhaps as a hobby. Barbara’s decision to become a professional actress was distressing to her family, as it was not at all what they intended for her. But what was important was that no one stood in her way. Not understanding did not mean interfering, and when she began to work, her parents were her biggest fans.

Not everyone is so fortunate. For most people, important developmental questions are, “What role does guilt play in your life? How do you deal with the conflict between what family wants from you and what seems possible or maybe even best? Where is the resolution?”

In his book, Oliver speaks about how our relationships are more important than our achievements— the challenge is in reaching out for accommodation, ever mindful of the need to continue to grow, develop, and include those we love, who love us, in our mutual journey. Accepting differences is possible among people who are equal.

Oliver & Barbara

In 1946, in response to the horrors of WWII, the United Nations was formed. In 1948, the UN proclaimed the Universal Declaration of Human Rights, a shining moment in our world’s history.

With permission of the UN’s Secretariat Publications Board, I reprinted this document in its entirety in To Find The Way Of Love. During the writing of my book, as I reread the Declaration, I was impressed with the authors’ knowledge and understanding of the problems and oppressions faced by ordinary people all over the globe. They produced a document of hope that in our world, there could be freedom and equality, and that we could find the way of love and realize the purpose of our existence.

I recommend reading the Declaration in its entirety (page 155 in To Find The Way Of Love), but for this blog, we have grouped together several categories of rights, below.

Privacy, Arrest, Detention
Personal freedom—no slavery, forced servitude, or torture—freedom of movement, and marriage by mutual consent.

Equality
Equality before the law and equal protection of person and property.

Freedom
Freedom of thought, conscience, and religion, and of peaceful assembly.

Participation
Participation in government through genuine elections by secret vote, and through universal equal suffrage.

Work
To work, join unions, and receive pay adequate for necessities of health and well-being of self and family, plus protection against lack of livelihood due to events beyond one’s control.

Education
Access to free education.

Intellectual property
Protection of one’s intellectual property.

Community
Participation for all in the cultural life of the community.

The UN’s Declaration was a roadmap for the way of love—filled with much promise, high hopes, and the fulfillment of the best within us. Sadly, it was to be an unkept promise. Many of the UN’s member-states have subsequently either failed to fulfill even one of the 30 articles, or have engaged in egregious violations of many of them.

Indeed, if the Declaration is applied to member-states as a measure of performance, with 70% (full observance of 21 of the 30 articles) being a passing grade, all member-states would probably fail. This is more than a sad commentary on the state of governments. It is an example of how easily high expectations and hopes for a better world can lead to unkept promises.

Oliver & Barbara